"Okay​.​"

by Sleep In Sundays

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01:39
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02:59
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01:32
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02:51
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03:10
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02:23
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about

18 songs, written and recorded between December 16th, 2006 and March 14th, 2010, at home.

"I turned back
to
the house
in the circle
of darkening
balsam.
Beyond,
a sparkle
of motes in the sky,
like lodestones.
But the wood-smell
took hold of
my heart,
like a hand and its fingers,
like jasmine,
like a memory cherished."
--Pablo Neruda, "A Smell Of Cordwood," trans. by Ben Belitt

"[...]there is nothing to point to, no one
to blame--not the wind
or the tawny meridian
or terrestrial darkness;
no one with a nose or an elbow
or the lengthening of a hip,
or a gust of the wind
or an ankle:
yet the crockery smashes, the lamp topples over,
the flowerpots totter
one after another
crowning the lapsing October
with crimson,
wan with their surfeit of violets,
others holding their emptiness in, circling
and circling and circling
the winter,
till the bowl with its blossoms
is gruel,
a keepsake in ruins, a luminous dust."
--Pablo Neruda, "Things Breaking," trans. by Ben Belitt

credits

released 10 July 2011

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Track Name: Personified
On the first day of my life I was frozen, frigid, cold. The ground was chilled to the core, so far from consoled. My heartbeat rang just one tone. I knew it then I was dying alone.

I would tear myself open just to find you inside--a cold disposition that's personified.
Track Name: Curses, Cuts, & Cold
You called up to say that you regret this time. Well, I guess I'm the losing kind.

I've been waiting with patience for the past to arrive. My dreams, they are lucid and I don't know why.

If I asked you so kindly would you put me to sleep? Because I'm begging you, begging you, begging you, please.

I mean nothing, just a future hole in the ground--more space to take up, more money to put down.

And I just want to feel okay, just one day.

As the seasons grew colder, so did our shoulders. I held you tight through the sad songs and summer nights.

And the aftermath's the worst part, with the curses, cuts, and cold--and the memories that we both used to know.

And I want you to know that we're both alone.
Track Name: July
I saw firecrackers flashing faster than my beating heart, just like July had sunken into our skin. It was pulling us apart. And then the rain would fall, all warm. I thought that I was going to break. I'll never know your hand--soft, God's plan, aching to be awake.

Mosquitoes were making off with all the beer soaked into blood. And kids were making out, slicked with sweat and slipping tongues. Playing dress up with each other's clothes, sneaking cigarettes out open windows. Now summer's rolling raucous, rotting, warped and worn down to broken bones.
Track Name: In Absence
Some days I miss you more than others but you're always in my thoughts. And as one thing's gained, another gets lost. As the bells of independence ring down every empty hall, I'm still a slave to that which haunts me: what I never had at all.
Track Name: Answered Prayers
When I woke up today I had a pain in my back--you know, the kind that never lasts. Just this aching remorse. No need to be forceful, I'll crawl back in the sheets, where no one will look for me. So if I die before I wake, I'll know who to thank.

The rain streaked down the windows for the rest of the day, and I could not conjure your face. I was dreaming of the days when I walked home with you--the street so blue, the things that I could never do.

There are a lot of moments that I've lost, but the wash of wet streets continues to list them off. Like: that coat, your hand, the theater, and the band--sinking in no man's land. Bonfires, backyards, basements--pleading: "Please don't go. Your memory means more than you can know."
Track Name: High School
I don't want to live like this anymore.

I don't want to live.
Track Name: Hamartia
These eyes are glazed, the fix is made, I feel so far from being saved. There's smoke in your backseat and there's fire in your eyes. Inside rots a new soul, begging to be exorcised.

And I feel so far from myself, smoking out every piece of what I knew. And I've been plotting out my way to hang out this hollow body. Don't you try and stop me now.

My desire to conform--I'm just trying to be normal. This is nothing, I just don't want to be alone.
Track Name: Something I'll Make Believe
Oh, I've braved the wells and the sunsets and there's nothing left but to accept this. Because not a day goes by that I don't think what I'd say should you come to me again. But in the same way, I've never lived a day that I wished would never end.

I'll go to sleep, pretend you need me, although I know you don't. You never did. It's just something I'll make believe.

I would weave your hair into perfect thread, lay its blanket down on the softest bed. And if winter gets too cold we'll burn these feeble walls, and then I would cut off all my skin just to give you something warm to sleep in.

Please, accept this gift--these meager words--and curl up inside. There you'll hide, and I will wait for the crickets call, until I'm welcome here again.
Track Name: Some Days
Some days are just lost and some were never there, but when you go down I'll follow with my prayers.

Someday all the clouds will fall in a fog and I won't care. I will hold my hands up heavenwards for as long as I can bear.

Some things just don't work out the way that you thought you had planned. And some things, they just fall apart in your hands.

Some day: a warm summer wind whipped through some stringy, sweat-slicked hair, and the memory of the street-lamp's freckled glare...

Don't you know that it's one thousand prayers that holds a plane up in the air? So, I'll whisper mine, breath stained with wine, so you can forget my name again. Because you can't lose someone that you never even called your friend.
Track Name: Carved In Rotting Wood
You go, I will leave alone, going home. There's nothing left to do here, nothing left to be. I am going out.

More flames will flicker, yes, more lips will lie in time. Your name's just ringing bells now. This city's falling down. Find memories in rotting wood, and...

The wind will whisper me your new name now, somehow. This house is built on secrets, these walls are full of shit, and I am going down...

I hear that hollow hearts are beating, bringing two where once was one.

I hear that nickname when the street sings and the sky spills paint on everyone.

And I want to say, "I hate you." I want to tear you limb from limb.

Instead, I say, "It's cool, dude, I'll pick up after you again."
Track Name: All I Know
To be truthful, I will say that I miss you. Honestly, everyday I don't know what to do. So this is where we are: I'm at home alone--you wouldn't stay.

And I know what it means to be the self-loathing kind. These walls are crying. I close my eyes to see your lies:

The door, the cold, and all I know; I'm killing time until I will finally be alone.

So this is what I know of you. My dreams, they are in black. My head hurts and I call, you never answer back. I can't stop myself from missing you. The cold just stings so deep. Loneliness prevails in me. I wish that I could...

I'm alone. Alone.
Track Name: I Hate Everybody
I feel like a broken record, because today it was cold, tomorrow's already old, and I dreamt of far away again.

Yesterday I tried to save myself from my friends, responsibilities, all these fucking proclivities, and the mirror on my wall.

I just feel like fucking up. I hate myself, I'm not anybody else. I'm missing pieces never placed.

I will just waste your time with all my bullshit, and all my lies, and the anger in these walls. So listen to what I say: Just fucking stay away. I'm learning to live alone.
Track Name: Someday I Will Be Pure
So this is where all feeling dies: out in the cold. I've lost the frost on windshields and all I'd dreamed I'd know about you. And ice grows in the evening air, breathing words you can see: "If I am nothing, you are me."

And I want to be where there's no leaves on trees, blue clouds softly passing like your presence next to me. Fingers gently tangled on hardwood floors and Halloween; the things you left behind in me are burning ever silently.

These rooms are just like scrapbooks, but the pictures and locks of hair I find in the scents that fill the heated air. These days I can't stand everything I am. Everyone is making plans...

But instead, I lay in bed, yearning to be pure, like I was, like I will be. And some things are like medicine: you take what you need. Sometimes that is you to me. Sometimes that is you to me.
Track Name: Stillborn
I'm not angry, never have been, not after all that we've been through. But I read about all of your mistakes, and I don't want a thing to do with you.

If distance makes the heart grow fond, why do we bear these broken bonds?

It's okay if you don't return my calls, I can pretend that I don't care. There are worse things in this wretched world than never meeting your cold, blank stare. Like: Long lines there at the grocery store, cold coffee, or weak tea. I hate to say it, but you're not as important as you used to be.

The ground still shivers and the wind still sighs. The disdain in the topsoil grows and multiplies.

Let us lick each other's wounds now, that's a start; pumping stagnant blood through stillborn hearts.

Breathless bodies in the coldest grass--I never knew nights could last so long. Boil our bones into the soil now while the trees are whistling a song.

A warm winter's breeze blows through the evening's light. I will build a bed among dying stars tonight.

I will stand at the mouth of this city now. Scream, "Swallow me whole, I hate you anyhow."
Track Name: New Year's Kisses
Soft spirits sang dizzy, quiet songs--a hopeful beacon to the bodies deep inside the garden's grasp. God rest such young and tired souls, precious in the grass. Soft hands and unmade plans--more than I could ask for again.

And in the garage that night I felt something putrid although fresh: your presence was falling away from me through glassy eyes and soft lips. I must remember that mine, not yours, were cracked and shall remain that way forever--or, at least for one more year.

Sitting on the porch, I felt the clouds fall down. The moon was sickly in a sickle shape, woozy all around. The static ran through our fingertips, scurried through feathered fur. You could feel it in the dry, frigid air: everything we were.

I could feel my heart dying with all the dried leaves. Whispered wishes from our lips filtered through the pine trees. The skin on our hands was cracking off so we felt it all, like a disease.

Snow was smooth as your freckled cheeks, and equally as white. Cold blood, fluorescent lights. I will never be as free as I was on that frigid night--under chains and ropes and locks and ties--not if I tried with all my might. So I say, "All I want for Christmas is a new last name and New Year's kisses from your lips as your consciousness wanes."
Track Name: The End ("Okay.")
The cars on the street are pulling you back to me, but I've got nothing better to do--I've got no life.

So I'll say that I miss you, or the you that I knew. This theater's gone dark.

The phantoms still lurk through this empty room with a choir of no one. I'll try to leave soon. But you, you'll be here until the end. (I'll never see you again.)

Someday I'll fill my pockets with all the stones that I've promised, with all the sins you can lend. I'll wade into the river tonight.

I'll carry the history of the humble strong in tow. I'll go into the river tonight.

In all of my dreams you're still smiling at me, saying, "It's okay. October comes again." But it won't, because this is where this year ends.